Monday, October 15, 2012

Lethargia

Is lethargia even a word? If not it should be.

Lately I feel like I'm sleeping, or engaging in some subset of sleep (napping, resting, recharging, etc) more than I am being active or even awake. It's frustrating because I've got academic writing that's staring me down. Of course my internal "good vs evil" chatter is ongoing, debating whether I am so tired because I want an excuse not to write, or whether I am legitimately fatigued.

As a Crohnie I definitely have a history with fatigue. Seems lately I'm either blogging or tweeting about it 3-5 times a week. It helps to put it out there, because I do get the occasional response from a fellow Crohnie who is battling the same issues. It's interesting to me that I've been able to accept the idea of living with a chronic illness, owning that I am a person who has this disease, and yet I struggle to fully accept the impact of various symptoms. I carry tremendous guilt at times, that I am unable to crank out page after page of writing like some of my fellow PhD students. Productivity for me tends to occur when I recognize that my energy level is high enough to engage in the process of writing. If I miss that window of opportunity I play the waiting game and hope that another burst of energy hits me again soon.

And yet there's always a silver lining, right? For me I believe that it's this disease, oddly enough, that is pushing me to complete this program. I know that once I do finish the sense of satisfaction will be all the more pronounced knowing I prevailed over the obstacles that failed to knock me down (or at least keep me down).

Thanks for reading. As I stated earlier, it helps to write this stuff down. If it resonates with even 1 or 2 people out in the blogosphere, all the better.

Hope this finds you all happy and healthy!

PEACE.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jeff, Howdy from the ether-net.
This sounds strange. I'm on a sabbatical from my eduction. Graves disease, the treatment choices are all controlled by the drug cartels. SIGH. But I know the ills of setbacks. I took two classes before I was diagnosed, but I remembered it was music, (what I hadn't heard in years) that inspired me. I'm going through the 2012 blues right now. Had a brother die (this Spring) and marginally have written in my journal. I've been more occupied
with reading yet I know what your thinking. Try a wee bit of good French red wine helped me too. Hope you keep up the blog. It's a good 'on.

Jeff said...

A - Thanks for the comment. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. I don't know a whole lot about Grave's disease, but I know it's not pleasant. Music is so often what keeps me going, honestly. Journaling also helps.

Thanks for the kind comments on the blog. Hope you're having a good day!

Jeff